Ohio

I arrived in Ohio on the 10th in order to attend by brother's baccalaureate the following day. It was the first time since 9/11 that I made it through the airport unharrassed. Normally I'm pulled out of line by a big hairy guy whose idea of a fun evening is probably giving anal probes to anyone who doesn't want one. Last time I was even required to undo my belt, pants button and zipper. I was then forced (I kid you not) to stand there and expose my boxers to anyone walking by while the big hairy guy groped by legs. I tried to do up my pants after he finished staring at my crotch, but he instisted I continue to hold my pants open until instructed otherwise. Anyway, this time was much better. Things seemed to be going well enough that I even dared to hope that someone interesting might sit next to me. However, my only companion for the flight looked like a child molester. He had an Ed Rooney look, combed back hair, outdated clothes. His skin looked vaguely unhealthy and oily. He sported a creepy moustache and long finger nails. I even thought about saying to him, "look, you could be one of the nicest guys on the plane, but you really need to change your appearance if you ever hang around kids." I spent most of the flight staring out the window listening to the molester snoring.

On the night of my arrival in Ohio I was chatting with my brother when a bat flew past us. We puzzled over how a bat might have entered the house while following it from room to room. Eventually, the bat flew downstairs and we found it hanging from a door frame. After taking some photos of the sleeping bat we had the idea of one of us prodding the bat while the waited to snap a live action shot. It was both disappointing and amusing to find that the bat could not be persuaded to fly away from the door frame with any reasonable amount of poking or noise making. Fine, I thought, if it wont move, I'll pick it up. I'm still surprised a wild bat allowed me to hold and carry it in my hands. I even have a picture to prove it. Dan carried the bat outside and we waited, expecting it to fly away to freedom. But, it just sat in Dan's hands. We became worried that despite our best attempts at gentleness the bat had been injured. We even discussed the idea of calling an emergency vet, or looking up bat care online. Then, silently and without warning, the bat fluttered away leaving Dan with empty cupped hands. Seeing and feeling a bat up close was amazing. Soft fur, elastic wings, tiny claws, cute ears. They are masters of technology, experts of flight, and weigh less than a slice of bread. I even felt it's heart beating as I held it. We spent the rest of the evening in a daze of awe.

The highlight of the trip was, of course, seeing my brothers graduate. The first weekend I saw Alex graduate from Wooster followed by Dan's graduation from Carnegie Mellon the next weekend. Wooster's commencement speaker was fantastic. She was the real author of a speech often mislabeled as Kurt Vonnegut's speech at MIT. CMU, sadly, had to listen to John Kerry's wife give one of the most boring speeches in human history. She is also on the board of directors for CMU, why can't a university with that much money be a bit more creative? On the last Sunday of my visit we gathered with friends and family for a big celebration. Wow, both my younger brothers now have degrees, unlike me. I suppose I should look into getting one too, it seems like the thing to do these days.

Even now I'm suffering from a scathing rash of poison ivy. Ohio is covered with the vile plant and I regretably agreed to help with yard work at my uncle's place. Three weeks of itching and oozing for the sake of clearing undergrowth. All of the yard work and the celebration preparations resulted in a significant build up of trash. When it became clear that the dumpsters at my uncle's place would not survive till the next trash pick-up my brothers and I were coerced into helping dispose of the trash in a less legitimate way. Thus, I found myself clinging to the edge of a rusty pick-up bed trying to ignore the smell creeping out of the bins and bags next to me. We were driving down small Ohio roads at night in search of a school or other public building which might contain a dumpster but no security guards. The chilly evening air gave the experience a rather unique quality of being simultaneously cold and stinky. It must have been quite a site, three shivering guys in the bed of the truck surrounded by overflowing trash bins. I'm amazed that we weren't pulled over by the police car we passed.

My return from Ohio was also smooth and uneventful. I think some of the hysteria has faded and airport security has become slightly less unreasonable. TSA now allows you to take safety razors, nail clippers and other reasonable items on board. Maybe now I'll get to see terrorists try to take over a plane with tweezers. "Don't move or I'll pluck his nose hairs." The TSA website provides a list of items each marked with a yes or no. You can learn to avoid such items as gasoline and hand grenades. It also requests that you check such items as power saws and cattle prods.

Just a few days after my return I made an interesting discovery about my flight to Ohio last Chistmas. Before bording the flight to Cleveland I noticed a gorgeous girl in the waiting area. Hoping to strike up a conversation I sat near her and introduced myself. She gave me her name and I learned that she was returning home for the holidays after doing a photo shoot with playboy. Since the flight was nearly empty I invited her to join me in my row, but no dice. This weekend a poster on fark linked to a picture which I recognized as the girl on my flight. It turns out she was the playmate of the month for April of this year. So, that's my new claim to fame, I tried to chat up Miss April.